You know us —it’s all sunshine and buttercups round here. Almost every other day of the year, we can be found frolicking in the bee-loud glades of cinephilia, delighting in the wonders on display with the unjaded eyes of gurgling infants. But very rarely, we stray to the Dark Side, and today is such a day, one given over to calling out the most ignominious and faith-destroying films of the year so far.
If “best” is subjective, “worst” is just as much so, but with added vitriol. So we’re prepared for a little hate over the inclusion of some of the below (time-pinched trolls may just wish to skip to the comments section now, as we can exclusively *SPOIL* that “Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice” does indeed figure on this list, and in a high position at that.)
But as much as we regularly fling ourselves in front of bullets for our beloved readers, we literally could not find anyone willing to tackle a few of the titles that our peers suggested might be contenders, including: faith-based flicks “Miracles From Heaven” and “God’s Not Dead 2” (which we avoided partly because those films chose such uninspired titles that the likes of “God’s Not Deader” or “God’s Still Not Dead” or “God: Dead and Lovin’ It!” would have been much more delightful); misbegotten kiddie animation/video game adaptation “Ratchet & Clank“; and the apparently dire “Cabin Fever” remake, which has the dubious distinction of a 0% Rotten Tomatoes rating. Other than that, almost every film that got some sort of a U.S. release since the beginning of January was considered fair game. So these are the 15 worst that we saw, boasting several superheroes, a couple of sequels and, fittingly, more than one prosthetic ballsack. You have been warned.
15. “Precious Cargo”
Perhaps, since not a soul saw the outstandingly craptacular “Precious Cargo,” we shouldn’t include it here. But we cannot pass up the opportunity to talk about Mark-Paul Gosselaar‘s tragically hopeful bid for leading man credibility, as well as the script, which was presumably cooked up by a pair of overstimulated 12-year-old boys at camp the summer before they discovered girls. That would explain the forced, tryhard misogyny of the dialogue and plot points which imply only the vaguest understanding of female anatomy or biology, let alone psychology. Also starring Claire Forlani(making this the “Saved by the Bell“/”Press Gang” mash-up you were correct to never want) as a duplicitous sexpot with a line on a cache of diamonds, the biggest name here is actually villain Bruce Willis, who if the blocking of most scenes can be believed, apparently spent no more than 4 hours filming, most of which without his scene partners present. But who can blame him, when directorMax Adams and DP Brandon Cox are apparently intent on lighting and shooting him so he most resembles a Thanksgiving turkey, which is appropriate because his performance is less “phoning it in” than “awaiting slaughter with dead-eyed resignation.” It’s actually pretty hilarious.